I haven't been writing on Thursdays recently, which means "Thankful Thursday" posts have been in short supply. Of course, today's not Thursday, either. But you know, I'm feeling quite thankful. I'm feeling like someone who needs to just write out some thankfulness, even if "Saturday" doesn't start with "T-h."
About a month-and-a-half ago, I broke down due to several reasons. My mother (who I treasure) looked at me and told me that I have to stop trying to be "perfect." And I looked right back at her and told her that I'm not, that I don't. I get some of my stubbornness from her, though; she insisted that I am, and I do. Calmly, gracefully, and firmly, my mother pulled some of my self-induced burdens off my back just long enough for me to remember they were there.
Immediately afterwards, I was wrapped up in her tiny arms, followed in quick succession with hugs and sweet, assuring words from my brother and my sister. The part of me that had been straining, pushing, and pulling just rested. Maybe for a moment. And although there have been other obstacles, other sweet, assuring words, other heart-probing conversations, those moments changed me.
Thankful hardly describes it.
Over the past week, I started to feel loneliness creep in. It wasn't that I didn't get to see people- I did (although I've certainly had fuller calendars). But I just really missed Tim. I really missed my family.
I had asked my mother several days ago if she'd like to join me for lunch on Friday (Fridays are rather relaxed at work, which makes it fairly easy to squeeze in a lunch date). She showed up on time, with a take-out bag from Wendy's...and my brother next to her. And my heart danced. My skin glowed. I think I have been a huge family girl from birth, and I think God knew just what I needed at 11:30 yesterday morning.
I think God knew just what I needed on that day when I just couldn't keep it together. That day I hated that I couldn't keep it together. That day that I saw, firsthand, that true love doesn't require the loved to be perfect, or really to earn love at all.
I thank God for that day. For those hugs. For those words.
I'm thankful for his grace that does not require payment, perfection, or any other sort of performance from me. Grace is something that I am truly in awe of, and honestly, have a hard time understanding. But I am slowly removing it from its pretty wrapping, exploring it, learning how to wear it.
And I think... that grace looks pretty good on me.