Last Thursday, when I said I wasn't feeling well, I wasn't. I went to bed soon after posting, woke up too early, was unable to fall asleep due to feeling so yucky, but went to work because Friday's are the easiest days in my workweek, and because, well, I just had a cold, right? Or allergies. I did dishes, chopped bananas to keep them from going bad (and use in banana soft serve later), made soup, went apple picking....and then I was worn out. Every inch of me, exhausted.
Saturday, I repeated the same kind of slower-paced activity while still trying to do too much for my broken-down body. I went to a yoga class (my first in I don't know how long), stopped by a launch events for a satellite church my dad is in charge of and visited with some friends, stopped by my church's community center, and went on an outing with my girls (where I ran into more friends.) People made comments and asked about my voice (which is very reminiscent of a talking frog at the moment). Some proclaimed, "it's allergies!" Some said,"you don't sound good."
I returned home with the same fatigue. Even my eyes hurt. I felt badly that I wasn't doing dishes, laundry, the many other household tasks that "need" to be done, spending time with people, or at the very least, writing cards. But I was spent. I didn't do a whole lot of getting up from my futon for the rest of the night (until I upgraded to my bed.)
This morning, I still didn't feel great. But I had a Sunday School class to attend to, so my husband made the executive decision that," we will go to the outpatient clinic" right afterwards. Normally, I fight any suggestions to visit a doctor's office, but my this morning, I was just so tired of feeling the way I do that I eagerly accepted the idea.
As I write this, it seems kind of obvious that maybe I should have stayed away from people all this time so as to avoid passing on the nasty germs I am carrying around. I honestly thought I was making the right decision by trying to meet up with people as much as I could before my body gave out each day.
It seems that a lot of people just soldier on when they aren't feeling well. They truck through allergies and illnesses and bouts with fatigue. They get lots done, they provide listening ears, write thoughtful emails and cards. My co-small group leaders, Kristen and Jaimie, do it all. I call myself busy, but they are out of my league. And they still find time to spend with our girls. They still have a hug for me whenever I see them (which at least I have had the foresight to decline in the past few days due to "germs.") I kind of thought I just needed to buck up, be tough, and do as much as I could until I couldn't do anymore.
There's nothing I really would have wanted to cut out of my past few days. I really wanted to spend time with all of those people. Relationships are the best parts of life, you know? But in the process of trying to do "everything" until I could not physically handle anymore activity, I realized today-at last!- that my efforts may have ended up doing more harm than good (by spreading germs around).
I am hoping no one gets sick through any contact they've had with me. I am secluding myself in my home until it's safe to come out. Which kind of drives me nuts. I like to be busy...normally. But. It seems like my body's not feeling up to "normal" quite yet. I just need to respect that.