I Don’t Know

It seems all I want to write about lately is food and pregnancy.

source:vibrantlifephotography via pinterest

Hey, that's ok. Those are two very exciting things.

But here's the thing. I know there will be a time when I'm no longer pregnant, when I'm feeling more tired than enchanted with being a mother, when I just don't feel like cooking an actual meal, so another egg sandwich it is.

What do I have to fall back on then?

I have been thinking about this. I've been thinking about it as my last few days of work wind down and my last set grad assignment date looms: What do I want to work toward? What do I want to be? If and when I do choose to go back to work, what do I want to do (if the choice is mine)? I've begun the process of studying to become a reading specialist- do I want to stick with that? Or choose something else?

I know my first goals are to love my husband, and then love my child(ren) in word and in action.

My second goals also have to do with people. With wanting to make life better, not worse. With wanting to learn to listen, be where I need to be, give out hugs, and make smoothies on a tired winter evening, if that's what's needed.

Tim and Michelle did all the smoothie-making in this case.

Then there's this part of me that keeps the idea that there is very little that can be promised to me close. People change in big and small ways. They get in accidents and sometimes they die before I think they should. I don't know when or why or where these things will happen.

I don't hate this part of me. It has me cherishing more moments, gushing with more love and throwing out more inhibitions than I might otherwise.

I'm not saying I have the whole "live in the moment" thing down. I'm saying I don't want to change my awareness that everything I have is temporary. I like it. I like who it makes me to be.

But I am saying that the same awareness spurs me on to the thought that I need something that is just me.

When life continues on its path of continual change I have:

• yoga
• cooking
• my teaching abilities
• writing
• faith in God (it changes, but it is always there)
• dancing (even if I lose the ability to walk, I can dance in my chair, as I have on many occasions)

So what do I want to pursue? I could become a yoga teacher, a cook, a professional writer...I could continue on the path of education I am currently on...

I just don't know how to decide.

No idea.

In the meantime, I'm loving this path of learning about pregnancy, birth, motherhood, nutrition, cooking, and hospitality.