Waves

I used to write a LOT about my struggles with binging.

Much of (my, and maybe yours, too) life comes in waves.

The strong desire to eat my feelings, the urge to run, the amount of time I spend cooking meals. how much time I spend writing...

It all comes in waves.

I can tell you that it's all always there, somewhere.

One day I will have the urge to just go outside and run, and I will do it if at all possible.

Some weeks I making cooking more of a priority than I do other weeks.

Some weeks I have so much to write, some I don't, and some I just can't get to the computer to bleed out all the craziness that is happening inside my head.

And that old familiar urge to handle unwanted feelings with food, food, FOOD..? It's still there, sometimes up front and center, and sometimes completely buried. Always there.

I purposely cut WAY down on sugar this past week. I haven't cut it completely out- if I really want a sweet, I will have it, a little bit, and I will enjoy it. If there is a little sugar in my food (and there is sugar in a lot of  unexpected foods!), I will still eat some, but I will be mindful of it. I just can't cut almost anything completely out and feel healthy mentally.

I'm not cutting down on sugar for Lent.

I'm doing it because I'd gotten myself caught up in the I've eaten sugar so I crave sugar roller coaster until I just wanted more and more and felt like I just couldn't be satiated.

Cutting down on sugar makes choosing not to binge much easier...but the default setting of handling difficulties with way too much food is still there.

This morning, I really wanted to gather all the peanut butter and chocolate I could find and go to town. I credit not being hopped up on sugar with being able to think clearly enough to tell my husband.

I avoided saying anything self-deprecating about how I was feeling. I allowed myself to feel, to be honest.

And just like that, that intense desire to ease the tensions I was feeling with food until I was numb? Dissolved.

At the end of it all, I felt so glad that I was able to be so honest with Tim, that I'm able to come here and be just as honest, that I made a choice that enables me to live life a little more fully today.

Happy Friday to me.

That default setting? I'm convinced it will never leave, but I have some thanks to give to a few people who have helped me process life through it and live life a little more fully. I'm looking at you, Tim, Mish, Eating as a Path to Yoga, Kristin T., Tina and Katie. (Eep! I hope I didn't miss any body!)