This Boy
There are still nights when I take to food like some take to beer or books or cups of tea. I'm not really (physically) hungry, but I'm eating because there is a need to relax, to let go, to numb out a little (or a lot).
The next morning, I often feel inclined to stock up on doughnuts to drown out feelings of having "messed up." I want to numb out again...but I don't.
I don't because there's this boy with this face that melts me even on my tiredest, most difficult days. He is depending on me to live life with him. He needs me not to be numb so that we can play in the dirt and explore the yard and get our hands dirty and splash almost all of the water out of the tub while we both laugh about how much fun this is.
I like to try new things and explore places, but I think that everything is scary to me the first time I do it.
This boy? There is very little fear in him. I've seen him do a face plant in both his tub and his baby pool, and each time, he is right back to playing as soon as he gets over the shock of it. He loves the stairs and although we let him climb them (assisted), he's now interested in going down them. He loves to wrestle and wants to go everywhere and touch everything. He just go,go,goes, with no qualms about falling or whether he will succeed. (You might be getting a small taste of why I can't be "numbed out" during the day.)
I really do believe he is the most adventurous parts of his daddy and me combined, and I love that about him. And I know, I know, that life with him will have me swallowing my fears over and over because I don't want to crush that spirit. I don't want to miss out.
Being his mama is like seeing my heart beat outside of my chest. It's an invitation to a wild and precious life.
As many would when honored with an invitation from a very special person, I accept.
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June 14th, 2012 - 08:03
Dear Sarah… I have found that my fears are 1000 times greater than my childs and my reactions to the little mishaps are also 1000 times greater than theirs. Last week Cici was at grandma’s swimming with her noodle in the deep end and I turned my back for 3 or 4 seconds and turning back around, found her 4 feet down and trying to paddle to the surface. I grabbed her and nearly flew to the shallow end, hugged her and wanted to cry and chastised myself for an hour… her reaction?… wiped the look of shock and the water off her face, grabbed her noodle and took up right where she left off! No problem. Our fear is not feeling like we can protect them every second and their lack of fear is knowing that we will! Love your splashing in the tub story too… Cici and I have a rule at our house… “Messy is fun!” and we live it….. I don’t care how much water is on the bathroom floor when we pour it over each other’s head. I don’t care what our kitchen floor looks like after “we” cook (you can probably make a decent loaf of bread if we swept all the flour out of the nooks and crannies!) There are no rules that supercede anything that results in my little girl laughing or smiling. Live every second! Love you!
June 21st, 2012 - 08:24
Uncle Mike,
Where is the “like” button when I need it?
Yup, I feel that Nolan is going to give me many, many (countless) almost-heart attacks throughout his life.
I love the messy is fun thing. I mean, I want to teach him to treat people’s stuff with respect, but making messes with his food, in the tub, whatever? Not a problem. (And it IS fun.)
I love YOU.