Thank you.
(This is an "old" picture, but it is one of my favorites of the 2 of us. )
I received some kind, thoughtful comments on my last post.
Thank you.
Thank you for taking the time, for offering encouragement, for commiserating, for offering advice from your own experience. Thank you for helping me feel a little less crazy.
I did a little research to find out if I had/have good reason to worry. Every thing's fine. Nolan's fine. It looks like I have not, in fact, crippled his development.
I find it interesting that almost as soon as I wrote my zen-like Sunshine post, I was feeling wracked with worry and unnecessary guilt.
I find it funny when anyone remarks about the "laid-back" person I am.
I fight for that.
Which is kind of the opposite of laid-back.
My best weapons are yoga, prayer, education, and gratitude, by the way.
Sometimes (all the time) I need to be reminded of that.
Happy Friday to you. I hope the weekend turns out to be just what you need it to be.
Mommy Worries
I wrote my last post early Mothers Day morning, coffee by my side and the rest of my family sleeping upstairs.
I didn't post it the same day because it was Mothers Day. I wasn't sure I wanted to publish a post that was all, "hey! look at me being a mom!" on the same day. Because we get it. I'm a mom. Everything has changed. (Except I will continue to write about it because everything has changed and I NEED to keep writing.)
I packed our schedules too full that day. Church and lunch and dinner and hours away with not enough of time for my baby boy to recharge.
Nolan loves to be around people, but he needs to be away from them to re-energize. (Hanging out with his Mama and Daddy counts as "alone.") By the time we arrived at my in-law's, Nolan was in and out of miserable. He needed to decompress. He needed to get away and watch the cars go by and maybe pick some grass.
But everyone wanted to see his sweet face (who can blame them?), so we all acknowledged he was grumpy and tried to work with his current state of being anyway.
I struggle sometimes with what to do when I know I can fix things for him. I know him so well, of course. We've become buddies over these last few months. He knows I will laugh when he tries to give me "kisses," and he trusts me.
(Ahem. He trusts me to take care of him, which includes not packing his schedule too full...)
He needs other people, too.
I don't want to smother him. I don't want to do anything to cripple who he is and how he develops. I'm a stay-at-home mom, and I love it, but I worry sometimes that he can get too much mommy time.
I know he's only 6 months old, but I'm coming across the "what to do when there is no right answer" conundrum. Which is pretty much the same as, "I could always find something to worry about from now until the rest of my life because I am responsible for this little life...and. REALLY. I could always find something to worry about before he was born."
Over and over, I go back to my old stand-by of doing the best I can in the moment. Sometimes it is enough and sometimes the moment lets me know I need to change a few things, educate myself, or just pull him into my arms and hold him tight.
Sunshine
Tim gave me this (one day early! I love that he gets so excited to give me things he knows I'll love that he just cannot wait) for Mothers Day.
It's perfect.
Despite what it may seem like around here, I do wake up early to write...or research, clean, exercise, dream about upcoming events or about the day.
I love that man I married. I didn't think I was a gift person, but he has a knack for picking out gifts that make me feel known. It just kind of does something for my heart, you know?
Life around here has been all kinds of full.
There is a constant teetering between the practice of contentment and also pushing towards better, stronger, more beautiful.
I'm not claiming perfection, but I am feeling thankful. We try to keep things simple (in materials) around here, but we have so much. Love, family, friends, good food, early mornings of writing and cups of coffee.
There are more pictures on my camera lately, almost entirely because of the joy that was born into my life just a bit over six months ago.
(I'm going to say it again- I had no idea that life was going to be like this as a mom, but it is so good. So rich.)
Sometimes I get a laugh when I say what Nolan likes and doesn't like, but it's true! His little personality is blossoming. (He loves being outside and reading, by the way.) Almost every new or not completely ordinary thing we do has me telling him we are going on an adventure, and why not? Life is meant to be explored.
Lots going on around here. I'm trying to keep it at the busy, but still enough time to relax level. Shared meals and coffee, new life to celebrate (flowers! produce! babies!), celebrations to plan, gifts to make, words to write, evening walks to enjoy with my two best guys, conversations to sit and fully engage in...and little actions that tie all the meaty parts of life together. A bit of cleaning here and there, pulling together satisfying meals (which are egg sandwiches more often than maybe should be allowed), stopping to just sit and be and hold my baby boy in one hand and my husband's hand in the other.
Of course there are struggles. There are difficult decisions and conversations. They haven't and likely won't disappear. But all of the other stuff? It's doing such good things for my soul.
Add ‘em up.
I originally called The Social Eater my "courage project." Because stepping out and actually acting on something that really lights me up inside felt scary. Who knows what will happen, if I fail, if anything will come of it? Who knows if I can make a positive, measurable difference in a world FULL of broken spots?
But now, my project feels normal. I mean, yes, it does take effort and planning, but it's what I do now, this chasing my passion thing. It's not scary at all (anymore); it's just a part of my life right now.
It's a part that I'm still so excited to share and live; that magic hasn't worn off. The magic of encouraging words hasn't worn off, either. (Encourage: to give courage. Thank you to every one of you who have done that for me.) They still propel me forward, so I hope I haven't given the impression that those words aren't still so meaningful to me.
I'm just saying that the part of trying new big and little things that is scariest for me is the first part.
This weekend, I made bread from scratch. I've baked bread before, but usually the quick bread kind (like banana bread or chocolate chip pumpkin) or the kind I can leave in my bread maker and move on. But this kind was all me and no sugar for the yeast to grow on. I was nervous, but I did it. It was good, in fact. So good that it's almost gone.
My husband and I also cooked beans from scratch. It's easy, and I'm not sure why I haven't done it before other than trying new things, even little new things, is scary for me. Oh, and it takes some effort.
Almost every single new Nolan thing is a little scary. The first time I took him in the car by myself. The first time I was alone with him for an extended period of time. The first long outing. The first non-pureed food. The first time I told somebody "no" because it was best for him.
Choices that seem so big turn out to be not so scary, but they're still big. They still add up.
Hello, Monday
Good morning.
Today is going to be a full day, but I couldn't help checking in just to say, "hi" (okay and add a *few* more words than that).
I'll be calling the doctors' office in just 23 minutes (when they open) to make an appointment for Nolan. He's been dealing with a raspy coffee that just seems to be getting worse. Last night he coughed so hard he threw up. We just want to get him checked out.
I just published a new post over at The Social Eater (the event went well, by the way. I had a blast hanging out with those who stopped by and had some great help. I'm telling you, I could not have done it without help! It was a tiring day, but wonderful. Thanks so much for your support!) and I HAVE to get invitations to Katie's bridal shower out today...+ pictures of Nolan I've been meaning to send to my brother and my grandmother.
I'm planning on squeezing in a few workouts this week (Inside Out Method dvd's and a yoga class) and cutting out sugar (<--check out that link if you want to join me).
I'm putting together a moms' brunch group, grilling out (I hope!), writing more (I hope! I have some ideas churning around in my head) and getting my hair cut at LAST.
I'm looking forward to all of it.
Ok, your turn. Please tell me something about you- what you're looking forward to, how you take your coffee, when you'd like to come over for lunch, anything. I'm (happily!) listening.
It’s here! It’s happening!
Happy Saturday!
Today is the day I show off "the tip of the iceberg" of what I've been working on. I'll be inviting dialogue in exchange for samples of fantastic chocolate made by small farmer coops. (I'm going with Equal Exchange this time. )
Still in its wrapping. Otherwise I know I'd be spilling little chocolates everywhere.
I'll be showing off full size products that will be given away.
This is just some of them.
AND
I'll be giving out my brand spankin' new business card.
The Social Eater
thesocialeater@gmail.com
Come on over! I'd love to have your feedback.
Anticipation
This Saturday is my first fair trade event!
I have business cards, a website and a Facebook page (both launch Saturday along with the event), info, helpful friends and family, and more than 1000 samples to give away.
There is a 60% chance of a thunderstorm.
The phrase "Do what you can with what you have (where you are)" (a Theodore Roosevelt quote) is my mantra.
Happiest of Birthdays
Yesterday was my birthday. It was perfect, thanks in part to so many people that I felt I just had to find a way to pay homage to all of them. I hope I didn't miss anyone, but yesterday was just so full of good that I have a feeling I likely did. Still, if you played a part in making the day so refreshing and beautiful and special, thank you. My heart is full, and I am so grateful to have the friends and family I do.
Nolan has changed yet another part of me (in a good way) because most years I have "needed" the day to be perfect (whatever that means) and FULL of celebration. Those are good things, but usually I will put too much pressure on it which kind of takes away from the fun.
This year, I just wanted to go to Rodale's Tulip Festival with my family; I wanted to bask in mass quantities of my favorite flower and show them to Nolan. I wanted to go on a date with my husband. Since those events were already on the books, I took on a much more relaxed approach to the day. I was free to enjoy it.
And enjoy it I did.
Some of my favorite parts:
-Snuggle time with Tim and Nolan in the morning. Oh MY, you should see this baby in the morning. He is chatty and happy and so excited that hey! all 3 of us are together! I love it when we can all lounge in bed together.
-An hour long conversation with my sister. It made it seem like she's not so far away. Also? She's getting MARRIED to a man who is perfect for her, and I'm so excited for them and her and OK, me,too because I just got a new brother-in-law whom I adore.
-Two hilarious phone messages, one each from Katie and Steven. Really. I laughed out loud.
-Tim took care of Nolan while I did Yoga for the Warrior. I'm getting closer to being able to do Bird of Paradise! (See below if you're wondering what I'm talking about.)
-Birthday mail! My favorite piece today was a card from my friend Kristen T. I'm pretty sure Kristen is my long-lost sister. Words from her just kind of seep into my heart and fill in the cracks.
-The Tulip festival! Rodale is a bit of a drive for us, so it meant time for Tim and I to talk. When we got there (after a bit of a panic because oh, no! We were going to be late! I HATE being late and making people wait), I fully sunk into Tim's everything is going to turn out fine and soaked up an hour and a half of wandering through fields, rows of beautiful flowers, and what I think is going to be Rodale's kids' summer camp with Tim, Nolan, Mary Ellen, Bill, Steph, Eric, and my mom.
Can I just tell you how much I love my family? I had a blast just taking in the scenery and exploring the grounds with these people who I feel so lucky to have in my life. And I got to watch them love my son. There's not a lot that can fill my heart like watching people love my baby well. (Also? You should have seen Bill with that little boy. They looked like they were just meant to be together, chilling, and taking in the sights. Ho.ly.Cow.)
-Tim and I went on a date! Just the two of us! I'm not quite sure when the last time that happened. I mean, my parents offer to watch Nolan often, but we usually have to use that time to work on homework or complete a project. But today? No projects, no homework. We wandered into a health food store when we arrived a bit too early for dinner (I got a few new things to play with- dried cherries with no sugar added, coconut oil, and fair trade cocoa nibs.) and then ate quite possibly our best dinner out to date.
Tim's cousin, Stacey, has been recommending The Farmhouse for quite some time, and I'm so glad she has. Words are my love language, but right after that? Food. Really good, well-thought-out food. The Farmhouse does that kind of food well. They source local and organic ingredients whenever possible (part of why it tastes so good- it's fresh!), aren't afraid to use fat (hello butter, pancetta, cream, and duck fat) and are creative with their menu offerings. Love, love, love. I'll certainly be talking about this meal for quite some time.
Oh, and our server? Amazing. I'll be contacting The Farmhouse to find out her name (we were at Table 3 at 5 o'clock) because she was just that good. Guessed immediately that I love mojitos, works there because she loves the food just that much, had great ideas and tips on what to order, and was so sweet and fun. To our server- I'm so sorry I don't remember your name! But I'll be finding it out and remembering it. You helped make our dinner so wonderful.
-With my love tank full, thanks to all the great conversation, experiences, sweet birthday messages (in email, text, and written, and facebook form) and amazing food, I returned (with Tim) to pick up my son, refreshed. Snuggles happened immediately, of course.
-As a perfect topper to the day, my dad presented me with two cookbooks he personally picked out for me. My dad essentially works two jobs, is training for a marathon,and is in the middle of a construction project at home (plus he tries to spend as much time with his grandson as he can!). He doesn't have a lot of extra time to be picking out presents, but he DID. And he picked out ones that perfectly suit my interests. That made me feel like a million bucks.
-And then my mother handed me giant organic chocolate cupcakes.
The Look on His Face
Nolan had this look on his face this morning while I made his breakfast that I just needed to capture on camera.
Except the camera was upstairs and my desire to just be with him and experience that look won out. Grabbing the camera would have taken me about 30 seconds, but staying is what I chose in the moment.
But that look? Oh, my goodness. Eyebrows raised, lips puckered into a closed "O," waiting expectantly- mostly patiently- for mashed banana and rice cereal. It had me breaking out into a smile at every glance.
We both did our kitchen thing-him with that look, his waiting, his watching the cars go by. Me with my mashing, mixing, and trying to get some kind of breakfast for myself started.
He took a few bites but was more interested in taking the kitchen in, in watching the sun rays stream in and those cars move across the highway.
A week ago (and even further back than that), I was struggling. Struggling to put my finger on just what was bothering me. Wanting to talk to someone who might get it but not quite knowing which words might provide a proper outline.
Layer by layer (a blog entry or two,conversations with a friends, a social encounter-or several!), I realized I felt like a different person and I wasn't sure if I liked me because I felt like I didn't know me. Not everything has changed, but so much has. That realization came with an almost instantaneous of COURSE you've changed- you're a MOTHER now.
I don't know if everyone is like this, but I'm the kind of person who almost always feels so much better after she untangles all the mental knots she's been working through.
I also realized- I do like me. I get to watch the world through the eyes of this little boy who is the best of both me and my husband. I get to watch the different kinds of excitement on his face, listen to that giggle, hold him when his lip goes all pout-y and he breaks into a slow, sad cry.
I don't care about cars at all and I can't catch or throw very well (you can imagine how I am in group sports situations), but I will learn those things because my son loves them and I have a feeling he will continue loving them. We will try out thousands of new things together, but we will also be content with simple things- like plastic spoons and sitting on the porch to watch the world go by.
That look on my son's face this morning, with its patience-but-not-really, is a mirror.
I'm linking up with Just Write, an exercise in writing about ordinary and extraordinary moments.
Day 149 of Being a Mother
I had an entire post written in my head last night.
I was feeling like...some kind of alien and I wanted to write it out. Life is just different as a mother.
(I'm imagining the long-time moms reading this and chuckling at me. It's okay. You can. It's like when I look at my little boy and say to Tim, "he's such a BOY!" I know how simple my "revelations" are these days. )
I often try to get Nolan and I out of the house to do "something fun" 1x per day. I've noticed that any more or less than that usually gets to be too much for both of us. We both love to be around people, we really do, but we need plenty of time to recharge, too.
Here's the thing. If said outing includes (much-needed) time with a dear friend and Nolan is awake and we are not going for a walk or he just doesn't want to be in his stroller...well, then, friend time now Nolan time with friend on the side. And it's fine; it really is. Nolan is a charmer most of the time, I'm proud of him, and people like to see him.
I just have this need to be known. I want to feel understood...so sometimes I put too much pressure on a particular experience, instead of just enjoying the moments as I live them like I should. And then of course I am disappointed because life often has its own agenda.
It is these types of feelings that lead me to be thankful for the internet. Places to write and have conversations and read posts that I can just nod my head as I read...
And think maybe I should start that moms group I've been thinking about. I'll make the food, and they'll make me think I can have a conversation without having to explain myself or Nolan. Not that anyone makes me think I have to offer up excuses; it's just me. Something I have to deal with and get over.
This morning?
My little night owl woke up early, ate, and went back to sleep. This is becoming a routine I can (mostly) count on and it works well for this morning-loving mom. I feed him, sometimes pump, then have some time to do whatever takes priority in my eyes.
This morning it was a tough workout.
And I don't know- maybe it was the fact that everything seems better in the morning or the endorphins- but today just seems better. Brighter. Less self-induced pressure. More do-able.
I think I may just start that brunch-for-moms group, though, because I'll need help fighting off the alien feelings when they come back.
[Photo taken by my sister-in-law, Steph]
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