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Holding This Season Loosely When I’d Rather Clench my Fists

This holding what I have loosely thing is a continual practice.

Definitely not a once and done "this is what I'm going to do, that's final, I've got it down, moving on" type of decisions.

It reminds me of my yoga practice (which I'm now feeling a little anxious to get back into. I do some prenatal yoga, but it's not quite the same. Any locals have affordable ideas for a mama in need of regular yoga, including childcare?).

Sometimes it's several times in one moment that I have to consciously determine whether I'm doing what I can on my part and then let the rest go. I have to open my hands, sometimes physically to let this trusting parts of my life that I cannot control to someone or something else happen.

Y'all, I want to control parts of my life that I can't, even though I don't really know how they are going to turn out best. I don't like that in-between discomfort that comes with letting life unravel. I want the comfort of knowing.

I don't know when my Selah girl is going to show up. I want to tell her any day but one, because I don't know how her being born then will effect others' feelings. I want to control her birth and I how other people feel about it.

My sweet niece was born yesterday to one of my favorite people in the world. She sleeps 1,450 miles away, and I don't know when I'm going to get to snuggle her.

I've been spending quite a bit of time researching Noonday, wondering if it's the right fit for me and my family. There's only so far I can go until I get the answers I need, and the one or two people who are assigned to answer them for me are currently occupied with other things.

Yesterday, I found out that one of my dearest, kindred-spirit-type friends is moving 1,600 miles away in less than 3 weeks.

Y'all. I can't control any of that, and it's hard.

I can keep playing my own part and opening up my hands, even when I have to pry them open (several times in one moment).

I will. I'm going to practice that.

I have to believe that there are beautiful things to be had in

practicing openness, not shutting down

doing the best I can with what is mine to control

look for reasons to be grateful

for parts of life I don't love right now.

That is the hope I am holding onto.


39 Weeks: Holding This Season Loosely

Still waiting on our Selah girl.

Look, Selah, your daddy and I went on a date to Wyebrook Farm- last thing on my pre-baby bucket list. You can come any time now!

Except I'm not just waiting. I thought I was going into labor about 2 weeks ago, and it's been confirmed: just waiting will drive me mad. I always like to have projects/a plan/something to contribute to this life.

I'm nestled into the in-between of mothering one child and two. I'm writing, reading, cooking lots from scratch, drinking somewhat peaceful cups of coffee, accepting and making dinner invitations, working toward adoption approval, exploring the possibility of getting involved with Noonday (I'm writing up a Q&A post on that, so please send me your questions if you have any), keeping our house somewhat clean, sending out actual stamped mail, and our new Sunday ritual of a church we might want to be a part of (we haven't regularly attended an established church in a couple of years- another blog post?), followed by the farmers market to talk with and buy from our favorite vendors.

There are always fun things to do with Nolan: play dates, painting, playgrounds, his gymnastics class (which is really an open gym for toddlers), a free movie at a local theater, swimming, picking fruits and vegetables and then creating something out of them.

I'm settled into this sweet spot that I'm trying to hold loosely.

I have no idea what it is like to be the mom of more than one child while my husband- my biggest support- works his regular job, studies for his PhD, and teaches classes.

I do know that life comes in seasons. Friends move away, jobs change, and winter comes, everything changes at least a little bit.

When the next season comes, I hope that I will have appreciated and reveled in this one. I hope I will have held it in the palm of my hand, not too tight, so that I can grab onto the next one when it comes and live it for all its worth, too.

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Real Food Friday: Gelatin

This post is not for vegetarians. Grass fed gelatin, as discussed in the following post, is derived from grass fed cows and should not be consumed by those wishing to avoid some or all animal products.

Okay...I'm about to put my crunchy-real food- off the beaten path weirdness on display for you.

I bought a container of gelatin. Like, powdered plain gelatin made from grass fed cows.

Before you click away, remember gelatin is in marshmallows. And jello (which I don't love, but Tim and Nolan do). And fudgsicles. That makes it not so weird, right?

Besides the fact that, unless you're vegetarian, you're likely eating gelatin in some form (smores, anyone?), the stuff that comes from grass fed cows is really, really good for you.

After hearing a few casual mentions about how beneficial the stuff is, I decided to look up more info for myself, and I found out that gelatin can

-help tighten loose skin (hello, post-baby belly!)

-support better digestion and even help heal some digestive disorders

-help the body relax and sleep well at night

-promote joint health

-promote healthier skin, hair, and nails

-add protein to the diet without any of the weird, non-real food additives a lot of protein powders tend to have


So far, I've added it to banana soft serve and smoothies. I've also tried it in Against All Grain's recipe for fudge pops.

On my to-try list of recipes using gelatin are

Strawberry Lemonade Gummies by Stupid Easy Paleo

Healthy Sour Watermelon Gummies by Meatified

Dirt Worm Pudding, a guest post by Fed & Fit on Clean Eating with a Dirty Mind (This one looks like it would be a lot of work, but I'd love to try it once!)

Rustic Homemade Marshmallows with Honey by The Urban Poser

There's a lot more yummy-looking, gelatin-utilizing recipes out there; these are some of the most delicious- looking to me at the moment.

So, really, what's NOT appealing about doing something beneficial for your body while eating your pudding/marshmallows/gummies?


Coffee Date!

I love, love coffee dates. I'm particular to those in my home because I'm not quite sure where to get a good cup of fair trade coffee around here ,other than Haute Chocolate, but they don't open til 11. It's 6 as I type this. Also, I really want organic half and half, too, and while I will admit to carrying my own with me from time to time just come over to my house for coffee, please. It's cheaper. Easier on my conscience. And you can stay as long as you want.

Once in a while, I like to host these virtual coffee dates. Maybe that's weird. But basically, I tell you some random stuff about me that I feel like spilling this morning and then it's your turn.  This works out because maybe you're not awake at 6 and/or maybe you're pretty picky about your coffee, too, but I don't make it like you like or I don't have your favorite creamer.


I should first tell you that I ate 3 giant marshmallows last night while sacked out on the couch with my exhausted son, watching Phineas and Ferb. Yes, I did. Those marshmallows were not the real food, homemade kind (although that needs to happen in our house!). They were the store-bought, grabbed for a trip to the mountains and stuffed in the back of our pantry kind. I tell you this not out of guilt, but because I want you to know that when I write my Real Food Fridays series, I'm not talking about perfection. I'm talking about the choices we make most of the time.

I wake up every morning wondering if this will be the day I meet my Selah girl. I am trying to keep making plans as usual, enjoy my one-on-one time with Nolan, and relax in the fact God knows the day and hour of her birth. My challenge is that the cramps and contractions I've been having don't let me forget for too long that I am about to give birth, and I've kind of stopped formally exercising because holy cramps (!).

My current obsessions include Noonday and Don't Waste the Crumbs.

Noonday is all about creating a sustainable marketplace for women around the world who are otherwise economically vulnerable or oppressed. The jewelry and accessories are gorgeous, the stories are compelling, and the work being done is redemptive and beautiful and it seems like the right place for me to be right now.

-Don't Waste the Crumbs is a blog/ website all about eating real food on a budget. I can't get enough and pour over the posts when I have the chance. As a stay at home mom (read: brings in minimal income) with a passion for quality, sustainable food systems, I am mining this site for all its worth.

Your turn!

What's something that you think about every day?

How do you like your coffee?

What are you obsessed with these days?


Real Food Fridays

I've tried a few forms of eating in the past few years.

Vegetarian. Vegan. Paleo.

I was and will likely always be a die-hard fair trade enthusiast.

In all of those ventures, my main goals were (are) to be respectful of the people who make my food, the earth it comes from, and to take good care of my body and the bodies of those I love and feed.

While I no longer attach a label to my eating choices, I still want those things. I would like to one day buy all my food from the farmers market, through a CSA, or via fair trade companies that I trust, but in the meantime, I do the best I can with what I have and I focus on eating real food.

I would love to encourage you to do the same. If you want to eat better but aren't sure where to start, pick one little thing and try it out. I promise you that one "little" thing is doing much better things than throwing up your hands in defeat. If you want to eat local/organic/fair trade, find ONE way to do that, focus on that, and then when you are ready add another thing.

I'm hoping to reserve Fridays around here for talking about real food. Let's talk. Maybe we can learn from each other?

First, let's define what I mean when I say "real food." When I use the term, I am referring to food in its basic form (meat, vegetables, fruit, eggs, oatmeal) or that, given the time and a recipe, I could make myself.

Sometimes eating real food can be a little tricky. For example, bread can be real food, but you have to read the label (or make it yourself!) to know. Don't go by claims like,"low sugar", "low fat," or "all natural" or "high protein." <---Those are just a few of the claims you might fine. Just flip that baby over and read the ingredients! What are they?

If you could make the bread yourself using the ingredients listed, you're good to go.

If, however, you find something like this, skip it. It's not real food. It's a food-like product, and it's not doing you (or the environment, for that matter) any favors. I mean, really, where are you going to get calcium carbonate, calcium propionate, or stearoyl lactylate? What are they doing in your body? How is your body going to process them?

I have lots of ideas and questions to share with you in the coming weeks. I hope you'll join me on Fridays for some real food discussion!

For now, how do you define real food?

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And….I’m Full Term

I'm full term + 1 day today.

That means if I go into labor, no one is going to try to stop me.  Selah's got the green light to make her entrance into the world.


I'm excited OF COURSE. But you know how it is when you know something is about to change your life forever and you can never, EVER go back and there's a still, gorgeous calm before the (however beautiful) storm?

Do you know what I mean?

I can't stop staring at my boys. I can't get away from how things are going to be SO different soon. They will still be good, richer even, and soon, I won't be able to imagine life without my two best boys AND my Selah girl.

Maybe soon none of us will. But for now, Nolan is wanting his mama more. He KNOWS life is about to change in a big way, too.

And me? I'm just soaking them up.


Follow up: Buying Less Crap while Still Looking Cute in Your Clothes

I did it.

I created an account with thredUp. I perused the maternity section and picked out 5 things in my size. Most items ended up being under $5 each and every item was less than $10 each.

No sweatshops involved:-).

My clothes arrived in a sweet little package, which OF COURSE I neglected to photograph because even after years of blogging, I still do not have the picture part of publishing posts down.Please trust me, it was cute, but not overly done in a why did they waste so many materials?" kind of way.

I tried everything on, and guess what?

Only one item fit over my massive pregnant belly.


Luckily, returning the items was pretty easy. I filled out an online form explaining the return, printed a return label, and shipped the too-small items back. I've already received my refund.

The downside? I did have to pay almost $10 for the return.

HOWEVER, I have since discovered that  orders received through thredUp's Android or IOS apps are eligible for free returns. I have an Android and promptly downloaded the app because I plan on ordering again after Selah is born. The clothing I received was in great shape. In fact, I couldn't tell that it had been previously worn. The service was great, and I love that ordering through them is affordable, offers me cute quality clothes, and doesn't support sweat shops.

With that said...

Not supporting the wrong stuff is good, but sometimes supporting the right stuff takes some investment. For example, buying chocolate from companies who don't use child labor and actually build families up costs a little more than your checkout aisle candy bar because the workers are getting paid appropriately. If we can afford to be buying chocolate that we don't need anyway, we can afford to eat a little less in order to get the right stuff and be a small part of laborers receiving a living wage.

I feel this way about jewelry. I like to get my accessories from sources that support job creation and poverty alleviation. I've recently discovered another company, Noonday, who does this, and I've fallen in love. The jewelry is a little more expensive than your average Target piece, but it has SO much more character, offers a better story, and will hold up better, too. I know it's a mind shift, but I think spending a little more on fewer of what we don't actually need so we can invest in what is good and beneficial for ourselves AND others is worthwhile.

Because of this, a good chunk of time is going to pass before I purchase another piece of jewelry or a scarf, but when I do, I'm going to try out Noonday. (I'll be sure to post a review!) In the mean time, a group of bloggers just left on a trip to Rwanda with Noonday and International Justice Mission. (I highly recommend checking out both organizations.)  They'll be visiting and telling the stories of "Rwandan women who have overcome injustice and have been empowered through economic opportunity." I'll be following along with Jen Hatmaker's posts, and you can also follow along here and with the #Stylefor Justice hashtag on Twitter. (If you're feeling inspired, you can also sign up to host a Noonday Trunk show. I really want to, but am pretty sure it's a *little* too close to Selah's estimated date of arrival.)


The “How are you doing?” question

My brother goes back to Alaska today after a too-short, two-week visit. I miss him already and cried when I saw this picture posted after he left.

That's really all I want to say about that, but I am about to post more  pictures of our time with him, so it might be helpful to know that the tall, dark and handsome guy in my photos is my *little* brother.

Somewhere between the heat, increased activity, upped need for water and time continuing to march on, my you are getting to close to the end of your pregnancy symptoms really ramped up this week. A lot of cramping, a lot of Braxton Hicks, soreness, and some having to stop because I could not physically continue going forward. Totally frustrating for me because I've been eating well, exercising and doing everything I can think of to take care of myself and Selah. I feel like I should feel better and that labor needs to come soon because I don't know if I can handle a lot more of this.

So when yet another acquaintance asked how I was feeling, my frustrations came bubbling to the surface. I later vented the truth to my Aunt Mary Beth, who happened to be in town on the very day I needed her, and my mom. I just don't know how to answer that question to people I don't really know these days.

Thank God for people I can just be with. I'm feeling so thankful for the people who laugh at me when I apologize because I'm worried about being draining, help me laugh at myself,  let me air my ridiculous complaints (even validate them!) and share their own stories.

Somewhere between getting in bed and getting up in the morning (I am often awake for at least a couple of hours during the night), I was reminded that I get to choose how to live out my upcoming days.

I've been experiencing some beautiful days, no matter how uncomfortable. I could choose to live with the weight of I don't think I can do this and this sucks OR I could choose to live out my days with the intention of living them and enjoying them the best I can.

Really, this is about choosing to live in misery or choosing to live in joy. Difficult choice, right?

I will still continue to be open about how I am really doing when it is the healthy choice to do so.

I will not dwell on what I don't like and can't control.

I will do what I can control, like leaving the dishes in the sink a little longer or accepting offers so I can rest when I need it.

I will make the effort to live and appreciate the life I've been given and not squander it.

This morning, I opted to go for a stroll on a new-to-me trail with 3 of my best boys instead of stay home and then my brother Steve treated us to a meal at one of our favorite restaurants in the area, Say Cheese. I am sitting and writing now. There are dishes in the sink that I will do...later.


Not Sleeping: Perspective for Today

I am awake when I shouldn't be and slept way too few hours last night (tonight?).

So I write.

So I look at the nights when I can't sleep (and there doesn't seem to be a particular pattern to these nights) as practice for those when I am up feeding/changing/snuggling Selah while my boys sleep. I am practicing for the next day, when I still have people, events, and appointments I've said yes to. I still have a son who needs and deserves my attention. I am practicing for the days when I will need to accept or even ask for help or say no or ask for a rain check more often than feels comfortable.

I am gathering up my resources- blogs I can check in with during the wee hours of the morning and tools to make not-sleeping almost, and maybe even actually, enjoyable.

I am treating myself to the kombucha I bought to split with Nolan after a patience-stretching experience at the grocery store. (I'll probably drink his share, but that just means I get to buy another one, right?)

I am reveling in the growing family that I adore. The house picked up by my husband while Nolan splashed in the bathtub and pretended to make me coffee and soup.  The promise of a green smoothie and coffee in a few hours and the quiet that comes with being awake while the rest of my world sleeps.

Maybe practicing today will make the upcoming onslaught of sleeplessness a little more manageable. And if not, at least I've found some beauty in this time.


36 Weeks Pregnant

I was thinking I'd hit a pregnancy-related wall. With about 5 started but unfinished tasks going (that I truly wanted to complete), but only the energy for sitting on the couch, I set a timer to clean for 10 minutes, and then I couldn't be stopped until it was time to leave the house. I showed up at the home of my husband's aunt sweaty and stinky (sorry, guys!) and relieved because, well, if I can't muster up the energy for anything past couch-dwelling, how can I manage labor and delivery? It's an athletic event, y'all!

I'm ticking things off my to-do list. I'm keeping appointments. I'm writing and imagining and planning. I'm keeping a sense of humor more often than not (a necessity when asked the same due date/gender questions are asked over and over and your size is a common topic of conversation).

Cavity is filled. Freezer is stocked (some of my best friends just got a baby sitter and made me freezer meals with fresh, local ingredients and other "real food." They know my love language).

Nolan went to a  big brother class yesterday, where he learned about what it might be like to have a new baby in the house. He got to tour the maternity ward and practice holding baby dolls (his favorite!).

I've had flags raised and pregnancy issues monitored throughout my pregnancy and one by one, they've been clearing up on their own. Low-lying placenta. A cyst. Blood sugar issues.

Last week, after a look over my blood sugar numbers, I was told that, had I taken the conventional glucola test in lieu of testing my own blood sugar, I likely would have passed. After a consultation with one of the main doctors, I was also told I am no longer required to report my blood sugar numbers.  Initially I was pissed. Blame it on the hormones. Blame it on 2 1/2 months of research, measuring, and frustration with the gestational diabetes diet, but the next morning, I realized what a gift not having to test was and is. Yesterday, I had my first real indulgence in months, and then, worried for Selah's health and wanting to kick my own butt back into gear, I tested my blood sugar. Totally normal. Huh. Today, I'm a little bit thrilled to get back to listening to my body and just filling it with real, whole foods. No more measuring cups needed.

The only issue I'm still having monitored is Selah's growth, and all I can do for that is continue to attend ultrasounds and wait.

On the agenda today:

Relax with my family.

Farmers market for real, local, fresh food (for which I don't have to concern myself with exact macronutrients! Woot!)

Pick up freezer meals from my thoughtful, generous friends.

What are you up to on this beautiful Sunday?

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