I am 40 weeks pregnant and feeling giant and marshmallow-y.
I am, surprisingly and for the most part, not bothered by this.
I don't know when active labor will start, and although I've been having fun trying out some old wives' tails, I can't actually make it happen (outside of induction. or a schedule C-section. neither of which I want).
I've sort of had to let it go and just keeping living life.
Summer offers so much life. The sun takes longer to set, so we stay up later, making connections and not feeling rushed about it. The farmers markets are full of fresh, just-picked produce, and in some cases, we can pick it ourselves. (My husband and son take care of our garden; I just pick and eat.) Every weekend seems to hold something we want to check out or find out if our son is interested (he is mostly interested in everything right now, making trying new things that much more fun.)
Tim and I have somehow landed 2 dates two weekends in a row.
So much new keeps making itself available. New friends. New opportunities. New traditions. New ideas.
I am hopeful that I will be able to follow through on all the plans I'm so excited about in the next few months, but I know that I cannot control every.single.thing that I want to (even though I would really like to!). That, in itself, is living life. Who knows what opportunities will be made available that I have not even dreamed of yet?
With that, I'll leave you with a camera phone snapshot of my giant belly to commemorate this day.
Still waiting on our Selah girl.
Look, Selah, your daddy and I went on a date to Wyebrook Farm- last thing on my pre-baby bucket list. You can come any time now!
Except I'm not just waiting. I thought I was going into labor about 2 weeks ago, and it's been confirmed: just waiting will drive me mad. I always like to have projects/a plan/something to contribute to this life.
I'm nestled into the in-between of mothering one child and two. I'm writing, reading, cooking lots from scratch, drinking somewhat peaceful cups of coffee, accepting and making dinner invitations, working toward adoption approval, exploring the possibility of getting involved with Noonday (I'm writing up a Q&A post on that, so please send me your questions if you have any), keeping our house somewhat clean, sending out actual stamped mail, and our new Sunday ritual of a church we might want to be a part of (we haven't regularly attended an established church in a couple of years- another blog post?), followed by the farmers market to talk with and buy from our favorite vendors.
There are always fun things to do with Nolan: play dates, painting, playgrounds, his gymnastics class (which is really an open gym for toddlers), a free movie at a local theater, swimming, picking fruits and vegetables and then creating something out of them.
I'm settled into this sweet spot that I'm trying to hold loosely.
I have no idea what it is like to be the mom of more than one child while my husband- my biggest support- works his regular job, studies for his PhD, and teaches classes.
I do know that life comes in seasons. Friends move away, jobs change, and winter comes, everything changes at least a little bit.
When the next season comes, I hope that I will have appreciated and reveled in this one. I hope I will have held it in the palm of my hand, not too tight, so that I can grab onto the next one when it comes and live it for all its worth, too.
My skin fit like a glove today and I wore it with confidence.
Do you know what I mean? There are those days when clothes don't fit quite right or I'm feeling less than attractive, bloated, whatever and I'm tugging on my shirt and picking on my choice of clothes because I'm just not comfortable in my own body.
I have THOUGHTS to share on body image, but that isn't to say tomorrow I won't be a little bit upset about the stomach pouch I have leftover from pregnancy or SOMETHING.
But you guys, that pouch was inflated to the size of a beach ball. I have a little pouch (and some stretch marks) leftover as a reminder of an amazing thing I did. I can deal with that.
I can. Because here's the thing: our bodies are mostly vehicles for us to LIVE life. It took me a long time to get this; sometimes I still forget it.
I've been learning to appreciate my imperfect but kind of amazing body. I've been showing it some respect by fueling it with the stuff it needs to function well. I've gone back to yoga (just this week!) to help me out with some back issues.
All of that means more living and less sidelines. I've spent quite a chunk of my life pursuing lesser things (like numbers) at the expense of greater things . I've spent too much time taking the too many negative or useless comments I've received about my body to heart, like somehow they reflect on who I really am and whether or not I'm "okay."
"Skinny" shouldn't be a compliment and "fat" shouldn't be an insult. They are statements. Neither takes away or adds to the value of a life. Neither makes a person more or less beautiful.
The most beautiful women I know are so beautiful in spirit that it's hard to tell if it's their physical appearance I think is beautiful or if it's the inner beauty that's shining through. I don't try to hard to make the distinction.
I have a thing for "quality of life."
Years ago (maybe 10 of them?) I read, "the thief comes to kill, steal, and destroy, but I come that they may have life to the full" (my paraphrase) and I think my spirit leapt up and said Yes! That is what I want.
I've been fixated ever since.
I've made quite a few stops along the way, but it's where my real journey of physical health began (which turned into physical, mental, and spiritual because now I think they're all related).
(I emphasize "real" because prior my discovery, I was fixated on being skinny enough, pretty enough, all of that as a goal- no matter if it meant drinking Diet Coke and consuming packets of Equal and cutting calories with no care about what it was actually doing inside my body. Now,whenever I start thinking/or talking about "feeling fat," I know I need to re-calibrate. Although I do enjoy putting outfits together and a good hair day, I see my body more as a way to experience life than a mantle to be left perfectly decorated and untouched.)
I make many of the food choices I do in pursuit of quality of life (for myself and now for others). I workout (when I do) so I have the strength and stamina to at least try anything that comes my way.
I want a quality, full, slurp-up-the-last-drops life.
Quality of life for me lately has looked something like:
Less time on the internet.
More vegetables and less added sugar.
More shared meals and glasses of wine (spaced out because I cannot handle more than one at once)
Reading actual books
Giving myself time to just think and pray without any distractions (this might be just a few minutes at a time!)
30-minute workouts (not every day)
(You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body. -C.S. Lewis)
There are still nights when I take to food like some take to beer or books or cups of tea. I'm not really (physically) hungry, but I'm eating because there is a need to relax, to let go, to numb out a little (or a lot).
The next morning, I often feel inclined to stock up on doughnuts to drown out feelings of having "messed up." I want to numb out again...but I don't.
I don't because there's this boy with this face that melts me even on my tiredest, most difficult days. He is depending on me to live life with him. He needs me not to be numb so that we can play in the dirt and explore the yard and get our hands dirty and splash almost all of the water out of the tub while we both laugh about how much fun this is.
I like to try new things and explore places, but I think that everything is scary to me the first time I do it.
This boy? There is very little fear in him. I've seen him do a face plant in both his tub and his baby pool, and each time, he is right back to playing as soon as he gets over the shock of it. He loves the stairs and although we let him climb them (assisted), he's now interested in going down them. He loves to wrestle and wants to go everywhere and touch everything. He just go,go,goes, with no qualms about falling or whether he will succeed. (You might be getting a small taste of why I can't be "numbed out" during the day.)
I really do believe he is the most adventurous parts of his daddy and me combined, and I love that about him. And I know, I know, that life with him will have me swallowing my fears over and over because I don't want to crush that spirit. I don't want to miss out.
Being his mama is like seeing my heart beat outside of my chest. It's an invitation to a wild and precious life.
As many would when honored with an invitation from a very special person, I accept.
I originally called The Social Eater my "courage project." Because stepping out and actually acting on something that really lights me up inside felt scary. Who knows what will happen, if I fail, if anything will come of it? Who knows if I can make a positive, measurable difference in a world FULL of broken spots?
But now, my project feels normal. I mean, yes, it does take effort and planning, but it's what I do now, this chasing my passion thing. It's not scary at all (anymore); it's just a part of my life right now.
It's a part that I'm still so excited to share and live; that magic hasn't worn off. The magic of encouraging words hasn't worn off, either. (Encourage: to give courage. Thank you to every one of you who have done that for me.) They still propel me forward, so I hope I haven't given the impression that those words aren't still so meaningful to me.
I'm just saying that the part of trying new big and little things that is scariest for me is the first part.
This weekend, I made bread from scratch. I've baked bread before, but usually the quick bread kind (like banana bread or chocolate chip pumpkin) or the kind I can leave in my bread maker and move on. But this kind was all me and no sugar for the yeast to grow on. I was nervous, but I did it. It was good, in fact. So good that it's almost gone.
My husband and I also cooked beans from scratch. It's easy, and I'm not sure why I haven't done it before other than trying new things, even little new things, is scary for me. Oh, and it takes some effort.
Almost every single new Nolan thing is a little scary. The first time I took him in the car by myself. The first time I was alone with him for an extended period of time. The first long outing. The first non-pureed food. The first time I told somebody "no" because it was best for him.
Choices that seem so big turn out to be not so scary, but they're still big. They still add up.
Thank you so much for the questions and comments on fair trade! Those I've received so far have given me some great food for thought. Now I'm pretty sure I have enough material for several articles. Please keep your questions/criticisms/overall thoughts on fair trade coming!
Monday has, once again, arrived a little too quickly. We just love weekends around here!
One way to combat the Monday blues? Think of, list out, plan more things I have to look forward to this week.
Hello, walking with my mom and Nolan to hash out plans for Katie's bridal shower. (I love everything about this- the people in it, the walking, the planning...)
Hello, ordering (lots of!) chocolate for my first big fair trade- centric event.
Hello, Bob Harper Inside Out Method workouts (I'm feeling pretty "tough" lately, and I love it.)
Hello, hair cut! I need one, pretty badly.
Hello, meeting up with a dear friend who I feel like I just can't get enough time with. (She's the kind that is "like a breath of fresh air." )
Hello, extra day off for my hubby, my BROTHER coming home, and Easter egg dying with some pretty fantastic kids.
Your turn! What are you looking forward to this week?
...felt prettiest right before heading to bed. You know, when no one was going to see me. Which leads to the question, "what does it mean to feel pretty?" But I'm too tired for that right now.
...talked on the phone with my brother for two hours. You know, I DO NOT LIKE that my brother lives so far away from me (and so does my sister; I don't like that either), but I DO like that growing up allows for better conversations and deeper connections.
... burned dinner. I thought I had cook time while feeding and playing with Nolan figured out...nope. Instead of getting upset about it, I celebrated the fact that I was able to substitute my weight in peanut butter for a normal dinner. (<--Not really, but if I were able to eat that much peanut butter without getting too full, I would consider it. Pb is probably among my top 5 favorite foods.)
...thought about how to word a public thank you to my mom friends. Have you heard of mommy wars?(You know, dissension between moms of differing opinions or moms who work vs. moms who stay home...) I feel lucky that despite having a mix of mom friends with differing approaches to mothering, I really haven't experienced any of that. I know about mommy wars only by reading about them.
...didn't workout but have the feeling that I still got some weight training in. I squatted down to jump and surprise Nolan (he loves this!), carried him around, lifted him up, danced with him...
...realized I've read little else besides blogs and children's books recently. I've also been slacking on my Spanish lessons this week. It's time to get some intellectual stimulation back in my life!
...think that I should have one more thing to write here, and I know I do, but my brain is turned to mush. So that is my "one more thing," I suppose. I am maxed out, and although I came to bed at least a half an hour ago, now it's time to sleep and get recharged for the next day.
Good night! When you read this, it is likely FRIDAY! Woohoo!
Working...on putting together a bridal shower and bachelorette party for my sister (I like to plan when I'm excited). Always working on fair trade-centric projects + my dad's coming up on a big birthday this year, I want to celebrate Tim's first real father's day as a dad, my birthday is coming up (and so is Tim's!), the list goes on. Lots to celebrate, just the way I like it.
Wearing...usually jeans, a long layering tank, and some kind of sweater or pull-over hoodie +slippers (I love my slippers.)
Eating...a few new things here and there, but mostly variations of my own standby's: eggs, tofu, beans, oats, chocolate, and peanut butter. Oh, and pancakes. And coconut (butter, flour, flakes).
Thinking...about how I am going to pull off a chocolate tasting for 3000+ people on Earth Day. Even with help. Mostly, what is it going to look like and what will it cost?
Anticipating...So much! My next workouts (I've been feeling great lately!), my birthday (not for several weeks), more work time, Earth Day, World Fair Trade Day, a local tulip festival, my sister's next trip into town...(I'm sure there's more.)
Feeling...Excited. Tired (most of the time- and definitely felt that way when I wrote this. But at the time of publishing, I'm actually feeling pretty good energy-wise). Privileged.
Enjoying...cups of coffee in the early morning when no one else is awake (even if I'm feeling like I could use more sleep), a little time to write, my son's giggles, feeling fitter (no concrete goal here; I just want to feel good in my own body), meeting "new" people as a result of my current projects
Y'all (yes, I say this. Mostly in my head. Yes, I am born and raised in Pennsylvania. Moving on.), parenting is hard. And it's wonderful.
I happen to be awake before Nolan(as I start this post...only time will tell if he stays asleep until I publish it), so I thought I'd go for a little online interaction while he's still sleeping peacefully.
I know that my writing hasn't been high-quality lately. Actually, most of my would-be posts are crafted in my head...when I can't sit down to write them. But I still need to be here, you know? I still love the catharsis of seeing words spill out onto the screen. I still love the interaction.
I still read what you're writing. Sometimes on my phone via my Google Reader while trying to stay awake in the middle of the night as I rock Nolan to sleep.
But I read.
There are a few thoughts I'd like to share with you (and get your feedback if you want to share it!) today...on this FRIDAY.
Hooray for Friday. For me, it means I get to go to a studio yoga class tomorrow, work on my most recent fair-trade-centric projects, and then home to my boys refreshed and ready for family time. It means 2 days of life as the 3 of us, of laying in bed til noon on Sunday if we want to. It means meeting with friends and trying new things together.
So. Just a few thoughts before we get on with the beauty that is Friday:
1) Right now, my stomach feels like it's going to eat itself. This is of note because it's 7:45, and I last ate at 3:30 this morning. Both Nolan and I are eating so much, and I'm almost not quite sure how we're going to keep up with the grocery bills. I'm not complaining. I like eating, and I'm actually going to miss my huge appetite when it's gone.
2) One of my favorite posts this week was this one. It's all about making the ordinary things into the extraordinary. I love, love, love it.
Also? I'm just really glad Kelle blogs. Her perspective is just so refreshing- invigorating, even.
3) I'm thinking about doing Tina's Best Body Bootcamp.
Pluses: accountability, possible prizes, it ends right around the time I'll be finishing 30 Day Shred and looking for the next fitness challenge
Minuses: It costs (just) $25. That's really a great price for 8 weeks of workouts (so this could go under the pluses category, too), but as a stay-at-home mom, I really have to weigh and measure where I spend any money. Also, my Shred videos have fun music and visuals to keep Nolan entertained while I work out. I'm concerned I will have a hard time fitting in the boot camp workouts at home.
What would you do?